I am racked with guilt today. Yes, it’s probably because I’m Jewish. And while this may be giving Jews a bad name, it’s also something I believe is inherently built into my Jew genes. This guilt thing. It may be more accurately a Jewish-Long Island thing, but whatever you call it, I have it, right now.

Why?

I started to go for an orgasm yesterday, but I finished after midnight. J. and I were well on our way to giving me one, but when I looked at the clock it said 11:54PM and I got this bad feeling in my tummy. The kind of feeling that says you’re going to blow this, you’re not going to have an orgasm before the clock strikes 12. I tried hard to make it happen by 11:59, really I did. I even told myself my clock was fast, and I shouldn’t worry (unfortunately I double checked the accuracy of my bedroom clock, verse my kitchen clock and my computer clock, and found although they were all a little different, but my bedroom clock was no more than two minutes fast), but even with telling myself that, I knew that time was too precious to waste.

I wanted him inside of me when I came. I like it that way. Not fully in. Not deep thrusting, not even deep, shallow thrusting, which is sort of an oxymoron like jumbo shrimp. It’s the kind of thrusting where he’s in, but not moving a lot, which also happens to be the best way for him to effectively use a vibrating cock ring like the Screaming O when trying to give me an orgasm (he wasn’t wearing a cock ring last night though). No, last night I just wanted the tip of his head to gently nudge the first bits of my pussy. By the time we found the right position, and by the time I got my vibrator revved up for action (my clit is still recovering from all the fingering it took last weekend), it was 11:59. When you have to have an orgasm in under a minute, it’s a really hard thing to do. Besides, I knew that my thinking about it would make it even more difficult. I tried with all my might to shut my brain off and believe. Believe it would happen when I needed it to. Like right now.

It would happen. It had to. Right?

Of course. I mean all the elements were in place, but unlike that movie The Girl, the Gold Watch and Everything (whatever happened to Pam Dawber?) I couldn’t freeze time. And last night, time wasn’t on my side.

I had my orgasm. It was 12:01. I’d like to say it counts as yesterday, since I didn’t go to sleep before then. But I don’t know. I’m mixed. I had an other orgasm after that, just to make sure I had one that counted for today as well (just in case), but I still feel sad about missing the mark.

The good news is there’s no money riding on my orgasm-a-day and it was still technically before I went to sleep, so it may count. I’m going to keep coming anyway, because I like the idea of celebrating Masturbation May this way. I’m having orgasms every 24 hours or so. I’m getting off. I’m doing it for me. And for Jonny too (sometimes) cause he likes when I come.

But I did miss the mark this time. By one whole minute. Or two if you count the 12:00 minute. But somewhere else, like in California, it was still May 6th. And so by west coast standards (heck, even mountain and central time) I came in time.

Regardless I still feel guilt because I didn’t technically have an orgasm, in my time zone, yesterday. Less guilt than before I started writing this, but guilt nonetheless.

But I take a licking and keep on ticking. And so I carry on…and I will come…again.

Contemplative Pussy.

I have a sentence in this week’s Time Out New York “The Horny Issue.” I’m in the article, How About a Quickie? The TONY staff challenged a bunch of us to come up with some titillating, sexy talk in ten words or less.

I just thought of another hot quickie phrase.

“Fuck me now.”

That’s a good one. Straight to the point. Doesn’t leave you questioning how far you may go with this person. Nope. Not at all. This person wants to get fucked. Fucked now. And right now this person is me. And even though it’s what I want, I’m not going to get it. Cause I have to go.

No masturbation yet today. Me and my man didn’t have sex last night because I came home at 1AM (What can I say I like good times, and when I’m having good times, I hate to leave them). I had so much fun with Lux, Rachel, Twanna and the Man and Wife crew. Good thing I masturbated early yesterday, or the whole masturbation-every-day-for-a-month would be over. Today I’m saving myself for tonight. For the “fuck me now” that will happen after I teach a BJ class, which usually makes me pretty horny. After the class I’m going to come home and give a BJ, which will lead to other things like the “FMN”…and then, then I’ll have my orgasm.

You can read my sentence in TONY, the one that got published, here.

Today, as in a few minutes ago, I lay in bed masturbating in the usual way (on my back, eroscillator on my clit), having a discussion with my boyfriend because he wants me to stop. “No more masturbating every day.” he says. He tells me we can have sex tonight, later, when we both get home. He says he’ll make me come. But tonight is much later than now, and I need to know that I can have my first orgasm of the day now. Now is not later. Later is me going out to talk sex with Man and Wife, or at least Wife, and then who knows if I’ll be up for an orgasm. Or if he’ll be.

He really wants me to wait but I can’t because like Days 1-5, I have to make sure I have an orgasm by myself, for myself TODAY. As in before it’s tomorrow. Because tomorrow is not today. Not yet.

He doth protest too much. He tries to distract me with silly dances and conversations about the weather. It’s hard to come. I close my eyes, pretend he isn’t getting ready to go out in our room, right now, getting dressed as I undress. And this kind of sucks cause I like seeing him there when I come. But alas, I do what I have to do to stay on track and to get the job done.

And I do it. I overcome the obstacles and let the vibrations oscillations take me away. That’s two more days (May 5 & 6) and two more orgasms.

Victory is mine. Victory and an orgasm.

I am serious about getting off every day this month. Yesterday I decided that I, myself, had to be responsible for at least one of my own orgasms every day. That doesn’t mean I can’t get help, but in the end it has to be me, giving me, an orgasm. That’s my definition of masturbation. Not mutual masturbation, that’s a little different, well if you’re mutually-exclusive (with yourself) during mutual masturbation, then it counts as my definition of masturbation, but if you touch the other person’s genitals and “masturbate” them, that’s a different kind of masturbation. Sometimes it’s called a handjob.

Day Two: Got off in between shopping and dinner. In a bathtub with my man. In a position where my back was in the air, and my feet were pressed down, knees up, like I was doing butt exercises at the gym. A sort of half bridge. Found out - after my orgasm - that I actually was doing butt exercises, and now, on Day 4, still can’t move my upper thigh/glut region without pain. Butt (bad pun alert) I’m glad I did it, because it was a good position for him to help me out in . Now I want to make a t-shirt that reads “Exercise your ass through masturbation. Ask me how?” It reminds me of the “I lost 45 pounds. Ask me how?” pins. How many people actually ask?

Day Three: Was relieved to know I’d be going home to my vibrator. I prefer it to my hand, most of the time, and my clit needed a professional massage. Biggest challenge on day three was when to do it - I didn’t get home til late in the evening. Turned out, challenge was not that big of a deal, and I had plenty of time, and more help from my man (what a guy!)

Day Four: I “masturbate” my man- using various body parts, and he enjoys himself. Then I masturbate, with vibe, while he’s lying next to me. It’s quite nice, and romantic - something I’m glad we’re both comfortable doing. I imagine there are lots of people not comfortable doing that, but it’s really nice. I wish everyone in a happy relationship would try it.

me. simulating masturbation. but not the way I do it. I like to do it on my back.

Sometimes as a sex educator, you have to put yourself on the frontline of sexual exploration and take it to a personal level. This month I will be personal. Too personal. If you don’t like it, you can, and should, leave now.

For those who choose to stay, and linger, I’m keeping a Masturbation Diary because I’m masturbating… every! single! day! this month!

May 1 - barely got masturbation in today, but alas, I…must…masturbate. So after watching a grainy-edition (due to bad reception) of Lost (was it me or was it a filler episode last night? I am so over the relationship angle that shows take to fill up space. Give me action man. Action), I got myself some action. I’m used to the three-minute Eroscillator orgasm, but without my handy plug-in helper, I was forced happy to use my own two hands. It got even better when Jonny joined in. Tried not to focus on the news that was on the TV (always depressing of course, even when it’s happy - like 7 year old boy on the verge of death gets to meet his idol, Mariah, or some other twisted, sad, yet uplifting, and still totally not orgasmic story). Turned to Sex and The City to finally get off - hey, it’s better than the news.

Took me about 15 minutes to come, which is average, but Jonny joked that it would “take a while” cause, y’know, I like vibration. And I do like vibration. But now I’m getting back “in touch” (bad puns happen) with my own two hands.

One day down. 30 to go.

May 1st. The beginning of Masturbation May. My May goal is to masturbate, or at least have an orgasm, every single day this month. It’s in honor of Masturbation May. It’s going to be difficult though. For starters, I haven’t masturbated yet today, and Lost is on tonight, and after that I may be too freaked out to masturbate. And then in a week and a half I’m out in LA for a whole week, working some 14 hour days, sleeping on people’s couches - will I be able to masturbate then? And then I’m in Boston and I don’t even know where I’m sleeping, let alone masturbating.

AAHHH!!

I’ll keep a masturbation diary blog thing going I guess and let you know. That is, of course, for those who care.

And you can masturbate with me. Especially the ladies. We need to build our numbers up. Since statistically speaking, men masturbate more than we women do. According to the authors of The Social Organization of Sexuality, of the 2,969 men and women they talked with - 41.7 percent of women and 63.3 percent of men masturbated that year. According to The Janus Report on Sexual Behavior, another large-scale, nationwide survey of adults (conducted between 1983 and 1992), 10 percent of women masturbated “regularly” while 25 percent of men choked the chicken at least a few times a week.

Men may do it more than women - but not if they were having a contest with me. They’d lose. I think I could win an award for how often I do it. And I’ll probably always have supple skin because I do it so much. Supple. I like the sound of that word.

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There are some “take-back-the-hymen” and “my-erection-meant-something-then-but-nothing-now” type virginity folk who are willing to believe that their sexual experiences weren’t worth the load and now won’t shoot their load, or have a load shot in them, until they’re really ready. These people place a hunk of value on the act of sex (and yes, I believe all sex should be valued, which is different than placing a heap of value on all sex), and what it must mean and what it must do to/for/in them. They want to reclaim their sexual celibacy. Reclaiming their sexual celibacy, they hope, will lead to a more meaningful connection as they ease-on down the road.

I am not one of those people, but the reclaiming part fascinates me.

Even now, as the BBC reports that no-sex programs are not working, and as our government continues to wake up and smell the sex (it is, after all, happening in high schools all around them) women and men contemplate how to infuse meaning into all of their sexual relationships, even if they were never taught how to deal with sex growing up. Yes, the wheels are turning - can you hear them squeak? - as the United States contemplates what to do about what we teach when it comes to sex ed. And as we contemplate the struggle that always evolves, and revolves, around sex - people, both young and old, who want their virginity back are reclaiming the born-again status. Again and again.

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Men, want a good reason to wank and wank and wank some more?

According to another recent study of 1,000 men (this one by the Cancer Council of Victoria), masturbation may lower the risk of developing prostate cancer, especially if you do it a lot LOT. Like more than five times a week. Apparently MORE than five times a week means reducing your risk of prostate cancer by one-third.

What is the prostate you (may) ask? Well, the prostate plays an important role in both semen production and ejaculation. And since, not to be a downer here, but I am, lots of men will develop prostate cancer in their lifetime, survey says choking the chicken may rid the cock of carcinogens. So next time your partner is jealous of your jacking off, tell them that you’re doing it so you can live longer and spend more time loving them.

Women, looking for a reason to double click the mouse? Another study, done way before this last one, showed that women who masturbated had higher levels of estrogen (aka oestrogen outside of the USA) in their blood. Higher levels of estrogen lead to healthier cardiovascular systems, lower bad cholesterol, and more beautiful skin. Added bonus: regular orgasms may help regulate your menstrual cycle, as well as relieve menstrual crampage. Can you say “oh yeah, that feels good” with me.

So… step away from the computer now and wank one out for your health.

I’m in Florida, Key Largo to be exact, on a top secret mission to keep sex alive in bedrooms across America. Seriously. If I told you more about it then it wouldn’t be top secret, would it? Okay, I can tell you this…

Are you ready?

I now know why the Beach boys sang about this place (Bermuda, Bahamas….baby why don’t we go to the Florida Keys..).Yep that song. That’s what I had to tell you. Riveting stuff isn’t it? I can’t get that song out of my head. No matter how much I talk about sex, I can’t stop singing a cheesy Beach Boys song.

Yes, I’m disgusted with myself. No, not really disgusted, more annoyed actually.

Speaking of beach, today’s Earth Day, no? (and yes, you can file this under better late than never because I know today’s almost over, but like I said I’ve been working on a top secret mission all day and I haven’t had time to remind you). In case you missed earth day, or my blog, you can always celebrate Earth Day tomorrow, and for the rest of your life.

So what can you do to sexify your day after Earth Day?

1. Get the Little Chroma vibe from Jimmy Jane and have it 4eva. (or so they say). See, you can change the motor on this wonderous work of vibrational art, so every time the motor dies, you replace it without having to replace your buzz. And it only takes one AA battery, which makes it much more environmental, and economical, than your average 2 battery toy. Or buy a rechargeable vibrator from Lelo. All the Lelo vibe are gorgeous dahling and no batteries to waste. BONUS: Both of these toys can be kept outside of their boxes, cause they’re just that cool.

2. Shower Power. Live with someone you love? Love someone who sleeps over and showers at your place? Do it in double time by showering together. You’ll not only save water, but you can also give an orgasm (or get one). Sharing is caring. Caring is coming. Or something like that.

3. Good Clean Love. It’s not just a statement, it’s a paraben and pthalate-free lube. So get naked (yes, that’s the actual lube I like in the GCL family) and slip and slide. NOTE: GCL lubes are great for intercourse, but not so great for handjobs. If you’re looking for a good hj lube or even a good massage oil, try the GCL love oils, just remember oil and latex are like oil and water. They don’t mix, and they are the opposite of two great tastes that taste great together. Meaning, don’t use oil-based lubes if you’re planning on using a latex type condom. If that’s the case, see suggestion 2.

4. Read an online erotic magazine. Yeah, I’m a fan of paper, but in order to reduce your waste this Earth Day season - read online. It doesn’t work for me all the time, especially since sometimes it makes me nauseous to be online too long, seriously, does that ever happen to you?, but when I’m looking for an erotic pick me up, I can go to Playgirl online (the entire magazine is available online) and look at hot! studs! naked!

5. Adopt a Clitoris. You should totally donate what you can (time, money, a blog post) to a good cause this Earth Day, so why not donate to the topography of a woman’s body? Help a Burkinabe woman rebuild her clitoris, and you’ll be contributing to a more pleasure-filled world. And pleasure is a positive thing. And positive people can make positive changes. On Earth Day and beyond.

Sometime after the second year of a relationship, you might start to question if this - meaning the relationship - is the end of the path you’re on when it comes to sex and dating. Even if things are good, you’ll probably still think about it, at least for a second, since you realize now you’ve committed a lot of time to one person. You might wonder if the person you’ve spent, say the last 24 months with, is really the person you want to spend the next 24 plus years with. At some point you will think about this. About committing (which is different than getting committed). You’ll contemplate “settling down” verses making sexy love with someone new and exciting.

But I don’t think it has to be one way or the other. I don’t think being in a relationship with one person means you can’t sample other dessert options too. At least sometimes. And I know of a lot of people who think like me, even if we don’t all think this way all of the time. See, I’m at that 3.5 year point in my relationship, and over the last few months we both decided that we need to change things up a bit. We both need to find ways to balance the love of, or in, our lives as well as the sex our bodies still want with other people.

My friend, and sex-memoir writer, Suzanne Portnoy, in her fun new book The Not So Invisible Woman writes about having a monogamous heart, but not a monogamous groin. I can relate to that. I’m a horny girl, who has, since getting with her boyfriend, also gotten back into good shape, and now I want more men, and occasionally women, to worship my ass (and my brain too).

Does that make me more selfish than you, or just more honest?

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